Barry had a head start, being 9 years older than me and with an established profession. The Bay Area was exponentially more expensive than anywhere I had ever lived, and for the first time in my life, I had to earn a serious income. It was the biggest and scariest period in my adult life, as I not only moved to a new state but transitioned from weight loss counseling to a training business. I paid Barry $200 every month for rent, and when he sold the house two years later, he lost $14,000, while I didn’t lose a penny.īut in 1987, when we moved to Palo Alto, California, our policy didn’t feel as comfortable to me. I signed a quit claim deed at the bank, foregoing my interest in the house in our community property state. When he wanted to buy a house in the Seattle area, for example, I didn’t want to share in the burden of ownership. In the late ‘70s and ‘80s, our approach worked fine because life wasn’t very pricey where we lived. Having been the breadwinner in his first marriage, Barry was thrilled to have a financially independent wife. For the first 20 years of our marriage, Barry and I had separate finances - a policy I was the one to propose when we got married. Still, there are secrets you keep even from yourself. I’ve sneaked around with eating, but that’s another story!) (Full disclosure: I’m hardly perfect when it comes to secrets. We Don’t Keep Secrets About Moneyįrom that early experience, we learned that financial secrets damage trust, and I can’t remember a single secret about money that we’ve had since. Here are 9 practices that have helped us reach equanimity. But over the years, we’ve found solutions, which have led to an almost (!) harmonious financial relationship.
That argument about Barry’s secret stash was the first, but certainly not the last, of many that we’ve had over finances. Conflict over finances is common between couples in fact, it’s the number one source of tension, and the second leading cause of divorce, after infidelity. Having an argument over money only a few days into our marriage was very upsetting, but we probably weren’t alone. How could he keep a secret from me? Why hadn’t he trusted me? I felt betrayed. In 1978, $5,000 was a vast amount of money, so he was stunned when, instead of being elated, I was deeply hurt by it. The “surprise” turned out to be $5,000 in his savings account. The week we got married, my husband Barry came to me with a big grin on his face.
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